Embracing a Chance to Become Wise

My father was a very intelligent person— precocious, even in elementary school. He was also a loner, joined the U.S. Navy at the age of 17 to fight in WWII, nearly died from a war injury at the age of 19, and developed severe PTSD. And it was like that trauma prevented him from becoming wise, even though he was still incredibly intelligent. He and my mother raised three daughters. He loved his work. He was devoted to my mother. But he lacked insight into himself and his relationships with others— all of which suffered from his PTSD (a term that did not even exist when he acquired it).

When he was about 55 years old, he had a severe case of perforated ulcers (compliments of the PTSD) that almost killed him. While still recovering, he became more reflective about his life and what was actually important to him. The next year, he was diagnosed with melanoma. He had grown up at a time when the word “cancer” was barely uttered because it was so feared. He had surgery that was successful. But he was no longer able to work at the job he loved so much. The permanent damage to his health from these two medical traumas changed his life in ways that left him feeling lost. So, as he said, he had a lot of time to look at the ceiling and to think about what was truly important and about the implications for how he’d live his live.

Over the next few years, Dad became wiser about the importance of his relationships with the people he loved. His behaviors— ones we thought could never change— mellowed. He was quicker to smile at the good things, quicker to feel “emotional” in a variety of situations that previously would have simply cause him to shut down, emotionally. Sometimes, tears would well up in his eyes, just thinking about how profoundly he loved his daughters.

We don’t always talk about emotional wisdom, but it’s incredibly precious. It’s not something that you can learn by reading. It’s obviously not something you can learn simply by analysis. It comes from taking the brave step of letting yourself feel.

It took two near-death experiences for my father to realize just how highly he treasured the people he loved and to open up to feeling and expressing his love in joyous ways. That wisdom he gained by taking those first brave steps to self-awareness was worth more than all the knowledge and intellectual skills he’d developed over his life.

Getting Passed a Fear of Confrontation

Someone recently asked me, "How do I get over my fear of confrontation?"

First of all, wise people know that there are some kinds of confrontation that they should avoid. When one person is aggressive in confronting another, that can be dangerous— physically, psychologically, or both.

My observation? Hostile people can be toxic. You don’t have to be afraid of them. Just be smart enough to walk away, figuratively or literally.

My advice? (1) Don’t step up to outright confrontations (hostile arguments). (2) Become more comfortable in discussing differences of opinion that are not expressed with hostility.

I think your fear of confrontation might benefit from “desensitization.” In this way, you can develop an ability to tolerate some forms of conflict without fear. Start with minor types of differences that don’t have much of a consequence if you continue to disagree. Start with people who are not hostile toward you when presenting their argument. Be patient with yourself. It takes a while to be comfortable with expressing disagreements, that is, with arguments.

The payoff is that desensitization produces a healthy change in one’s state of mind about verbal conflicts. The way this technique desensitizes you, of course, is that you learn, in your gut/amygdala, that not all verbal conflicts are psychologically “unsafe.” Arguments can be opportunities to learn more about an issue and to understand how people can differ in their opinions.

The complement to this desensitization is building up enough self-respect and righteous indignation about a person’s behavior when they forcefully confront rather than respectfully disagree. To be sure, hostile verbal language and hostile body language are no way to treat someone with whom one has a disagreement. Verbal and nonverbal aggressiveness are forms of bullying, even if the other person is not consciously aware that he’s gone that far. You don’t have to accept this kind of treatment. Because you’ll have been practicing desensitization, you’ll also have had experience recognizing when a difference of opinion trips over from a respectful disagreement to a bellicose argument. Keep that dividing line clear in your mind.

There is a difference between fear of confrontation and wanting to avoid conflicts. Many people just don’t like to argue. And there’s a lot of wisdom in that. When was the last time you watched two people argue and one convinced the other to change his opinion? Yeah. Doesn’t happen often—probably only when there is already deep respect on both sides and true listening happens. It almost never happens when one person aggressively attacks the other person’s beliefs.

However, many people who are conflict averse are so simply because they are uncomfortable in social situations that seem to demand that they mount a defensible argument on the spot. That’s a good time to say you’d like to talk later, after you’ve had a chance to think about the issue. Then stand your ground about that delay.

What is essential to overcoming conflict avoidance is to be unwilling to compromise your values and beliefs in order to “keep the peace.” Keep that dividing line between respectful argument and hostile, aggressive confrontation in mind. Learn how you can change your thinking about your options when someone approaches a discussion as a confrontation. There’s neither a requirement to argue… nor to acquiesce. Agree to disagree and move on.