Embracing a Chance to Become Wise

My father was a very intelligent person— precocious, even in elementary school. He was also a loner, joined the U.S. Navy at the age of 17 to fight in WWII, nearly died from a war injury at the age of 19, and developed severe PTSD. And it was like that trauma prevented him from becoming wise, even though he was still incredibly intelligent. He and my mother raised three daughters. He loved his work. He was devoted to my mother. But he lacked insight into himself and his relationships with others— all of which suffered from his PTSD (a term that did not even exist when he acquired it).

When he was about 55 years old, he had a severe case of perforated ulcers (compliments of the PTSD) that almost killed him. While still recovering, he became more reflective about his life and what was actually important to him. The next year, he was diagnosed with melanoma. He had grown up at a time when the word “cancer” was barely uttered because it was so feared. He had surgery that was successful. But he was no longer able to work at the job he loved so much. The permanent damage to his health from these two medical traumas changed his life in ways that left him feeling lost. So, as he said, he had a lot of time to look at the ceiling and to think about what was truly important and about the implications for how he’d live his live.

Over the next few years, Dad became wiser about the importance of his relationships with the people he loved. His behaviors— ones we thought could never change— mellowed. He was quicker to smile at the good things, quicker to feel “emotional” in a variety of situations that previously would have simply cause him to shut down, emotionally. Sometimes, tears would well up in his eyes, just thinking about how profoundly he loved his daughters.

We don’t always talk about emotional wisdom, but it’s incredibly precious. It’s not something that you can learn by reading. It’s obviously not something you can learn simply by analysis. It comes from taking the brave step of letting yourself feel.

It took two near-death experiences for my father to realize just how highly he treasured the people he loved and to open up to feeling and expressing his love in joyous ways. That wisdom he gained by taking those first brave steps to self-awareness was worth more than all the knowledge and intellectual skills he’d developed over his life.